Battle Scars

2004-05-02T14:45:00.000-05:00

it's an endless cycle.. everything's changin and i dont kno how to stop spinnin...

why? why did we let it deteriorate to this point? i feel like i dont even kno you. what's even worse is that i kno that you dont care. i tried to talk about it like i dont care either. but the burdens too heavy, pretendin is to hard. i thought we had finally surpasses the bumps in the road. climbed our ways out of the ditch together hand in hand. im angry at you for lettin go, allowin it fall back and break like this. im even more disappointed that you'd turn your back to the pieces. i feel like everything u've said up to this point was a lie. u've already broken all the promises. i dont understand. i wonder if i ever did. you never really did let me in. every nite i poured out my soul. i opened up doors, i let myself be vulnerable. i thought you were different. and the tien-dan i knew and fell for was different. but i guess ppl change. you spoke of "forever" and "love." i question whether you even kno wat those words mean.. to me. i told ppl how great you were and how happy i was. they were rite i was happy when i was with you, but how often was that. i need to stop relyin on others for happiness, cuz they always let me down. once i told Neato that i wasnt fit for long distance relationships b/c of how much i missed you and needed you there. i wonder if things would be different if you were here. see, this is why i told you im scared to look for anyone in the future. cuz everyone seems to find their exit one way or another. actually i have no clue as to how to feel- angry disappointed confused upset sad lost alone fallin breakin dyin burnin out. i feel like every time it's come to this ive lost a piece of myself to sumone else. and i have to keep rediscoverin myself or ill totally lose it all. how could you shut me out like this? i tried to fix things, i tried to call.. i really did. why do u refuse to talk to me? am i that bad of a gf.. that you could forget everything. was i always just an option to you. sumone you could shut out when things got rough. i wonder if i'll ever understand. like always: i will sit here listenin to sad songs that remind me of you, wonderin about what ifs and what could have been, ponderin unanswered questions, cryin over the shattered pieces. and when that's all finally done and over with, i will gather the pieces, the memories, the pictures and place them in the back of my heart forever fillin up space, forever leavin a scar. numerous ppl pass through my life everyday, some stick, some dont. many leave their imprints, some deeper than others, but each one makin their difference. i will pick myself up and walk out of here a stronger person. "what doesnt kill you, just makes you stronger."

Shawnee once said that my greatest weakness was that i fall in love too fast. i thought about her words and i felt that i disagreed. because i viewed it as a strength instead of a weakness. Love is the strongest, purest, most sincere emotion you can feel for someone else. If i was allowed that than i should treasure it as a gift rather than a curse. even if it does hurt sometimes. plus i dont think it's that i fall too fast.. it's more that i fall too hard. but in all honesty, i still question whether or not ive really been in love before. sometimes when im with sumone i feel soo sure of it all, that this is rite. but would love leave me and daniel havin barely talked for over a yr now, barely willin to acknowledge each other in passin? would you be able to block out love just b/c you're too busy to call rite now? i guess that's why i value Albert's friendship so much, cuz it gives me hope. eventho we didnt talk for a whole yr after we broke up, we were still able to rekindle that friendship. i dont think he even understands how much that means a lot to me. soo wat now?

Love Actually is on tv. i want it on DVD. if u havent seen it, i encourage you too.

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memories seep from my veins
let me be empty
oh and weightless then maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you feel
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe
in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

2004-04-27T03:52:00.000-05:00

I feel like a child.. sittin here lookin for answers to questions im too afraid to ask.

wonderin why, and makin up excuses to make myself feel better.

I feel you slippin or maybe it's me whose slippin..

everyone hopes for better tomorrows.

or is this as gooodd as it gets..

I'm just a burnt out star.

2004-03-29T04:17:00.000-06:00

I should stop lookin soo hard for the answers, b/c i can never seem to come up with the "right" one (if there even is a right answer). I think when the time comes, the answers will follow.

soo it turns out that this wk wasnt all so bad. at least it ended on a gooodd note.

im suchh a girl sumtimes.

*grins*

=)

2004-03-25T03:24:00.000-06:00

i saw him today,
and it reminded me of how he once too thought i was beautiful,
but as his glance went right through me, i felt ugly and insignificant in his eyes,
it seems like the deeper i go, the worst the outcome,
somehow remindin me of old ballet shoes in the back of my closet,
i fear that one day you too will realize that im just an ordinary sort of grl,
that one day you too will want more than i can give you.
i miss those days when i felt pretty, when i knew who i was and what i was lookin for,
or was that all just a dream.

they thought i didnt wear make-up, cuz i was comfortable and confident,
they didnt know, it was because i believed that people looked deeper,
and later because i didnt think it'd make a difference,
i feel like im losin myself one day at a time,
that im bein swept away in the opinions of others,
no longer thinkin for myself.

these scars burn deeply,
im suree you see it,
people said that i've changed,
i wish we had met before i became soo jaded,
i think you would have liked me more.

2004-03-22T14:19:00.000-06:00

hmm.. i cant get my comments link to say anything other than poseurs... can anyone help me?!!

2004-03-14T03:55:00.000-06:00

the gooodd times, the bad times, the old times, the new times

okk.. soo i havent posted in here for a longg time and i kno my poor blog's feelin left out... plus i always leave blogger for these peaceful nites in the dark..

I had forgotten just how muchh I love and miss my family. my home. When im in Austin I get soo wrapped up in the college life whether it's studyin on the week days or havin fun on the wkends that I often forget to call home for days and days at a time. but im glad to be home and im glad that everything I return it's essentially the same as last time. suree, lil things change like my room is a lot cleaner than in high school (tho i fixed that ritee up =P), things have been rearranged, added. we now have wireless internet in the house (lol i can almost feel it in the air hehe). but all in all i kno this is where im most comfortable, most secure. college can be a scariee place. im just glad i have a home that's always welcomin and a family that's always loving. i am truly blessed.

soo i got rear-ended today in chinatown by one of those rice boys who drives nice cars and wears sweaters even when it's hot outside. my yee po started yellin at him in chinese. my car's okk, just a lil chippin in paint which i didnt even notice. ohh well, as longg as we're okk. tho asian ppl need to learn how to drive..

I went by to visit Ell tonite. It was nicee as usual. It's been soo long. I've missed his company. I sat outside watchin the Chapelle Show on their TV while they were in the hot tub. then we went to Marble Slam to get sum yummy ice cream. I miss Marble Slam. I love mixin flavors. swiss chocolate and raspberry ice cream mixed w/ chocolate chips. yum yum. im not usually one to always order the same thing but i just cant stay away from that, it's just soo gooodd. Im glad that even after not seein each other for months everything seems soo familar. I wish it could be like this w/ all my old friends. gently retracin the steps of the past. but never in exactly the same way twice cuz of all the changes around us and within us. I miss Bellaire. not soo much the skool and lack of freedom. but the people and it mitee sound strange but the routine of it all. knowin where everyone was at the exact time and day. knowin that holidays wouldnt change things like who u hung out w/ or who u ate lunch w/. the stability and security that ive missed. knowin that even if u didnt talk to sumone the whole summer you'd still see them once skool started again and everything would return again. i like visitin w/ old friends. cuz there's just sum things that new friends will never fullin understand about u. they can and prob will try. they'll listen to all ur stories of childhood and heartbreaks, but by that time the stories are told as reference or just sumthing of your past. all the tears had already been cried and all the laughters heard. it's not the same. just like it's just not as excitin when i share college stories w/ others. sumtimes i think i'd like to bring the two together like a bridge over uneasy waters. but i dont think that would really be possibly, plus now that i think about it, i wouldnt really want to anyways. I like havin sumthing to come backk too. im selfish sumtimes i dont like to share, sumtimes i just like to hold things in cuz it seems more special that way, like a secret. I miss ice cream shops, longg chats, and dhances. I love to dance. I miss dressin up and feelin pretty. I miss not always knowin wat to say, but bein okk w/ that. I miss group lunches in the hallway w/ loud talks and fooodd fights. twistin oreos for celebrities. I miss Alison, Anuja, Sonal, Devi, Annie, Linda, Ell, Ding, Albert, Justin, David, Matt, and so soo many more. I miss the guitar playin, japanese, starbucks, smoothie king, ppl's houses, and after skool hang-outs. im listenin to Dashboard, it reminds me of the summer. I miss my brother. I miss goin to the park, playin catch, volleyball, soccer, bowling, tennis, movies, lunches, Mcdonalds, the talks, the grls and the guys that come and go, but always havin each other, the hot summer. I hope I get to see him this wk.

hehe it's not like im not happy ritee now. i love college, suchh freedom i dont kno wat to do. except last wk was deadly but it's all over now. My group of friends are awesome! we have soo muchh fun up in Austin. I realized that we really rub off on each other. we've reached that point where we've all been an influence on each other some way or other. I kno they've all helped me grow in college and they've all been there for me. thanx guys =) (subtle change in topic) yay! got to see TD today.. even if it was just for a min, but it was worth it. It makes me sad when u say u cant come visit me as muchh anymore, but i understand. i smile and nod when u assure me that we'll make it through cuz i kno we will. I just want the best for you. u make me soo happy, i hope i make u feel the same way too. you once told me the sweetest and most sincere thing anyone has ever said to me and i doubt u even know it. that's why i like you soo much cuz u're not afraid to feel, or dream. u're the sweetest and i'm the luckiest.

5:55-make a wish

2004-02-18T02:33:00.000-06:00

It was definitely worth the waitt =)

thanx for everything. You are the best V-day present ever.

It was an awesome wkend.

2004-02-13T08:42:00.000-06:00

I have all that I could ask for...

yet i feel soo alone.

2004-01-22T17:36:00.000-06:00

We did a lil exercise/discussion in Rowin yesterday.

here (soo i wont forget again):

1) Why you want to be on the team?
I love bein on the water. The people Ive met and friends Ive made are awesome. I love that initial feelin u get when u step off the boat after a race and truly know that all our hard work was worth it.

2) What goals do you expect to achieve by the end of May in Rowin?
To step up as a leader. To push myself and my rowers to preform better in the boat. To really strive for improvement on a daily basis. To get in better shape. To win backk that gold medal we deserved. To not give up.

3) What goals do you expect to achieve by the end of May outside of Rowin?
To do better in all my classes. To manage my time better btwn skool, rowin, and friends. To have fun and be social. To do volunteer work.

4) How will rowin hurt your outside goals?
Rowin takes up a lot of time and energy.

5) How could rowin help your outside goals?
I use Rowin as a motivation for me to study cuz i kno Ill have to quit if I do poorly in skool. I also build stronge friendships in Rowin.

6) How is rowin stressful?
Rowin is stressful b/c it requires many sacrafices- like sleep. Also the demands and expectations of the coach and your teammates are high.

7) a. Expectations on myself: To lead on and off the water. To be a better coxswain. To be more assertive and clear when makin commands. To have better relationships w/ the rowers.

b. Expectations on coach: To tell us what we're doin right and wrong and to push us to the next level.

c. Expectations on teammates: To always work their hardest at practice. To fight their hearts out at races. To support and help each other.

2004-01-13T21:23:00.000-06:00

The First Cut Is The Deepest- Sheryl Crow

I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I had
But if you want I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it comes to loving me he's worst

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
And I'm sure going to give you a try
And if you want I'll try to love again (tryyy)
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it comes to loving me he's worst

The first cut is the deepest baby i know
The first cut is the deepest try to love again...

2004-01-01T23:22:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year!

a new year, a new start, a fresh beginning

New Year's resolutions:
- to come to terms w/ the past and finally move on after winter break
- to do better this semester
- to practice better time management btwn skool, rowin, and friends

2003-12-11T05:24:00.000-06:00

She has spoken, and now soo will I..

Alison, I dont kno where to start or even what to say.. it's been soo longg. it should have never come to this. soo muchh has changed, soo muchh timee has passed. when u went behind my backk and hid things from me, it hurt a lot- more than u can imagine. i'd never felt soo betrayed in my life. i waited and waited for u to tell me, but the words never left ur mouth. ill be honest, i was angry and resentful about the fact that u didnt tell me more than anything else. i thought best friends were suppose to tell each other everything. i didnt kno wat was goin through ur mind. throughout high skool, we'd had our obstacles; but never had i felt soo cut off from u. i felt like u chose him over me and would rather just have me completely out of ur life. i wish u had told me sumthing, anything. i even wish that I had started an argument cuz then at least we would have talked about it. but even now we still havent really. our friendship ended soo abruptly. i didnt kno wat to do. losin ur best friend ritee after u start college is hard. i had no one to turn to. i was alone. when that person inpersonated me in my guestbook, i knew u had read it. im sorrie if u were hurt, i can promise u that i didnt write that. i have my idea of who did. i wish that u had confronted me about it. i kno that confrontations are hard and we avoid them if possible. but i think if both of us werent soo scared of confrontation, we wouldnt have let it get this far. we had always said that if there was a problem, we'd bring it up and talk about it. i kno i didnt stick to my word this time. i even wish that i had started an argument just soo at least we would have talked about it. we still havent. maybe it would have been different. over time i thought the pain would pass, but i realized it never did cuz u were always in the backk of my mind. it was likee a thorn in my sidee. As the holidays rolled closer the more i thought about u. the more i longed for resolution. i was even a bit scared to see u cuz i wouldnt kno how to act or wat to say. but at the same time i missed you and wanted to see how u were doin. many times i wanted to contact u but was too stubborn. i think we both kno that things prob wont be the same again. but i accept ur apologize and i wish that we could be friends again. yes, it will take time to rebuild. but we hadnt spent 4 yrs buildin it to just let it fall in 4 months. our trust in each other will also take time to heal and build. i too am sorrie for not bein the best of friends. maybe if i had been easier to approach, u would have told me. im also sorriee that it took me soo long to say these things. i should have expressed how i felt to u earlier. i prayed that God would guide me in doin the ritee thing. that He would give me a sign, sum kind of direction. I loved you, Al. I really really did and that's wat made it hurt soo muchh. I would say I love you now, but I just cant ritee now. cuz i feel like i dont kno u anymore. i kno ive changed in college and im suree u have too. I cant believe we let this muchh time elapse. I've really missed u; ive missed us- talkin and hangin and laughin. we had suchh gooodd times. none of which ive forgotten. I kno wat we had was truly sumthing special. sometimes God shows his mercy and gives us those muchh valued second chances, whether we take advantage of it is our choice. maybe the past 4 months was just a test on our friendship. maybe we'll grow stronger cuz of this. things mitee never be the same. but they dont necessarily need to be. we have a lot of work to do. it takes two to rekindle a friendship, and we will do it together like we use to. I hope to see you over Christmas. and I wish that you are doin well. take care. i miss you.

2003-12-04T22:08:00.000-06:00

I <3 this poem. it's soo sweet =)

Can't Wait
by sushicrusader

Only three weeks remain till winter break
where I will see all of my friends again.
We'll have hot chocolate and angel-food cake.
This anticipation won't be in vain.
For now I must study all night and day
'cause finals are coming in a fortnight.
I'll be thinking of you; my mind won't stray.
Till we meet once more, I guess I'll hold tight.
When I take a break, I'll play dashboard songs.
I just can't wait to play for you once more.
I think maybe together we belong.
When we get back, iunno what's in store.
I will not forget you when we're apart
'cause none can silence the ache of my heart

2003-12-02T01:03:00.000-06:00

Jo says that Im easy to be around cuz Im easy-goin and Im not overly sensitive about many things. I wonder if that's really truee.. I wonder than what is it that bothers me at nitee. what is it that sends me in this whirl of confusion. I dont think Ill ever really understand myself. sumtimes i just stop tryin to. sum nites when im this tiredd of it all, i just sit here and feel what is to be felt w/o tryin to explain. there's just too many levels. i could speak an infinite number of words and it wouldnt be enough. and u wouldnt understand. i would barely even understand.

soo million dollar question: what do i want?
and when is what u want worth takin a risk for?

I miss REAL hugs. the ones where u kno the person really means it and doesnt want to let go. the ones where they pick u up and squeeze u titee. those always felt gooodd. that's sumthing i really miss a lot. they make me feel ritee at home.

tho IM *hugs* are nicee too hehe for those who are far away, and I like it when ppl ends/starts the sentence w/ my name... i dunno hehe it makes me feel special.. i guess

sweet dreams, nitie nitee worldd

2003-12-01T21:35:00.000-06:00

hi blog. i havent really been postin for a while. i started up my xanga cuz those comments and eProps are just soo darn luring. but dont worry im goin to keep postin in my blog. it's easier openin up on my blog cuz i dont really kno if anyone reads this. my blogs always been about writing for myself and not for everyone else, and i wanna keep it that way, soo i dont really care if anyone reads this. it's my place to be myself. soo if u like wat u read feel free to comment or leave me a message in my guestbook, if not.. well, too bad for you. have a nice day.

2003-11-27T20:01:00.000-06:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!

it's great bein at home and seein everyone again =)

have a safe one, you guys.

2003-11-20T00:37:00.000-06:00

the first cut is the deepest..

If I stand still, will the world pass me by,
If I don't move, will you stop and say hi,
Or have you already rushed by me,
Have you left me only for your memories.
If I reached out, would you hold my hand,
If you touched my hand, would you touch my heart,
Or has time and distance ripped us apart,
Has the wind that brought you here, blown you away too,
If I called your name, would you look back,
If I grabbed you by the arm, would you take a second to look into my eyes,
Or would you look right though me,
Has life put down its barriers,
If I was crying, would you wipe away my tears,
If the stars were out, would you look for me in the sky,
Or have you forgotten where to find me,
Have you already tucked it all away in a box,
If I fell back, would you catch me,
If I leaned in, would you kiss me on the forehead,
If you held me, would it all still be there,
If I told you "I love you"...

(would that be soo wrong?)

2003-11-20T00:10:00.000-06:00

sumthing about this time of the yr reminds me of you.. maybe it's the weather, the feelin of the wind blowin against my face, walkin in the cold, and rememberin how warm it was beside you..

and realizin how empty it is without you..

i dont know where im goin.. and i dont kno why i keep lookin backk...

meteor shower.. sighh, i missed it. and i realized why i didnt go.

u would understand wat a surprise it was when i opened my email today.. a happy surprise that is =)

2003-11-19T23:57:00.000-06:00

sighh.. it's been soo longg... i thought about maybe startin a new one... it seems about time.. should i conform and start writin in my xanga?

ohh, i added comments now.. soo just click on the link below eachh entry soo u can leave comments...

2003-10-23T02:27:00.000-05:00

This wkend was pretty gooodd.. eventho Jo said it was borin!! eventho she spent the wkend mostly w/ me hmphh...

well, fri- jennifa san was here! yay! went to eat Pho double yay! made my weekly trip to the arcades.. went backk to my place and played Soul Calibur 2! went to HEB late at nitee and didnt get enough sleep since i had rowin at 6 am.

2003-10-21T03:12:00.000-05:00

4-6 page paper to write on Enigma due tomorrow at 3pm.. soo far i have a lil more than 1 page and it's already 3 am. I have to wakee up in 3 hrs for weight trainin too..

went to my 1st concert tonite tho yay! saw Hoobastank and All American Rejects (and 2 other bands) they were awesome!! I had a blastt.

I would writee more but ritee now I feel both mentally and physically unwell.

the only thing keepin me sane..
my Disney music

2003-10-12T02:35:00.000-05:00

in a different city and u guys still makee me worry *sighh*... hope u're all doin okk.

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

CHORUS:
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Trippin' out thinkin' there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... There's gotta be more

(Than wanting more)

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half-way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

CHORUS

I'm wanting more

I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed....
Always... Always...

CHORUS - repeat twice

More to life
There's gotta be more to life (more to life)
There's gotta be more to life (more)
More to my life

2003-10-12T01:53:00.000-05:00

soo im backk home for the wkend.. it's been pretty uneventful. glad i got to spend time w/ the family tho. i've been missin home. i missed drivin too.

i cried last nitee. it had been a while. sadly, i dont even have time for tears (or feelings) in austin. for me, houston is such a place of feelin. everything means more to me here. the memories. the places. the songs. the music. sum feelings that i thought i had become numb to return like a sore thumb.. but better. in austin, im in my own lil community. im soo busy i dont have time to think or remember muchh. i go through each day merely tryin to stay awake durin class and not screw up in rowin practice, squeezin in study time every now and then. im half asleep b4 my head even hits my pillow. no time to ponder life or love.. backk here, everything is a slight reminder of the past. i feel bad that i had already started to forget. i was naive.. i thought things would always be the same. i drove around houston today. passed by many places. made a few stops. passed sum houses. but they felt soo empty now that my friends arent there. i cant waitt til the holidays... suree, it mitee not be the same, but who said it needed to be, ritee?

im sad that i didnt get to see san this wkend. i hopee she's doin well. she seems to be swamped in skool workk. i miss her.

i need to study harder. ill do better the next round of test. i promise.

i dunno wat im doin.. i dunno wat i want. i feel soo muchh safer in austin. i feel less vulnerable. reality's harshh.

last nitee was the 1st nitee that i dreamed in a longg time..

sweet dreams, nitie nitee world.

2003-10-10T23:12:00.000-05:00

im backk in H-town for the wkend, since it's the only wkend i have off from rowing for a while. our 1st race is comin up really soon, like in 2 wks.

I feel soo lonely here..

sumone actually misses me in austin already wow =) i love my friends

2003-09-30T21:39:00.000-05:00

soo a lots been happenin since college started. soo many new experiences sum gooodd, sum bad.

last tues i went clubbin for the 1st time in my life wohoo.. dobie had sum thing where they rented out a club and had shuttles runnin to and from. soo it was all free. Shawnee, Jo, Kim, Chase, Anoop, Atman, and I went. at 1st it was pretty lame cuz it was a 70's theme and the music sucked. we went and walked around 6th street which was a bad idea.. we returned to the club and it gradually got better. by the end i was havin a blast dancin and i didnt want to leave. and Shawnee owes me $5 still.. no matter how much she denies it =P hehe it was overall a blast and i cant wait til we go again.

This wkend was very interestin.. Jennifa san! came to visit from San Antonio and it was awesome. she's soo much fun; i've missed her soo muchh... I went out w/ the Shawnee, etc. again on Fri intendin to go clubbin, but we dropped by a Frat party on the way. (1st time at a Frat party too..) There were soo many ppl.. soo many drunk ppl. and no, i didnt drink. didnt end up goin clubbin, but that nitee was well.. interestin. college is all about new experiences...

Sat- Rowin practice at 8am. only got a couple hrs of sleep soo didnt do soo well. went to the football game but left super early. went out w/ Jennifa, Howard, Brian, Nancy, and sum other ppl to Co Co's for tapioca and karaoke. wow, brian's such a greatt singer. we stayed til the kicked us. went back to dorms and talked w/ Jennifa until we fell asleep. Tornado is stilll stuck in my headd.. from the moment i wake up til the moment i fall asleep...

Sun- went to church in the morning. had steak for lunchh at kinsolvin! it was yummy too. hadnt had steak in a longg time. we won our 1st soccer game which i mentioned b4.

I have a Cal test tomorrow which i havent yet started studyin for.. blehhh... im in the ENS comp lab now i should prob head backk soon. need to remember to pay for housin tomorrow.

2003-09-30T02:58:00.000-05:00

I kno i havent updated in a longg time.. but im really tiredd ritee now. the only reason im updatin is cuz Jo is sittin ritee here makin me. Im real glad I met Jo and Kim and that they're are on my floor. they're soo kewl and nice. and they dont mind me crashin in on their studying time and they takee breaks w/ me. yay!

well.. things have been happening but for sum reason i dont feel like bloggin that much anymore... maybe cuz im swarmed w/ stuff to do and i have to wake up at 8 tomorrow..

Wed- Cal test
Thurs- EE302 test
Mon- Egypt test

ohh, btw I MADE THE UT ROWING TEAM!!! COXSWAINS RULE!! now im an official UT athlete. how kewl is that?

and we won our 1st soccer game 2-1 on sun. goo red rapids! (okk.. dont give me a hard time about the name... soo im not creative..) tho the other team was short one player. my sis even played on sun. props to her! she's never played a sport b4. she made me proud =)

til next time.. sweet dreams, nitie nitee

2003-09-17T02:02:00.000-05:00

i havent been blogging..

cuz i dont kno wat to say...

2003-09-11T01:05:00.000-05:00

Take a moment of silence in rememberance of all those that lost their lives two years ago.

2003-09-11T00:48:00.000-05:00

im always busy busy busy now-a-days. it's nicee to have stuff to do for the most part. but gets soo extremely tiring. im about to fall asleep here in the comp lab ritee now and it's not even 1 am yet. maybe one of these days ill actually blog about what i've been up to but ritee now im just too tiredd soo nitie nitee ppl.

2003-09-09T00:08:00.000-05:00

im tiredd, and i leave it at that.

sweet dreams, nitie nitee world.

2003-09-08T01:02:00.000-05:00

tomorrow will already be the 2nd full wk of college, and yet i still cant let go of what once was. i cant seem to get over the fact that im no longer in high skool. why? why would i want to go back after i had finally broken free? i dunno. i guess in high skool at least i was suree of sum things. like who were my friends, who i liked and disliked, etc. i knew where i would be eatin lunch and w/ whom i would be doin soo. i knew who i'd see in btwn classes and who to look for in the hallways. i guess sumtimes not knowin and not bein on a strict schedule can be new and exciting.- and mostly durin the day i find it that way. but at nite (and w/ sum ppl even in the day) i began to miss all those faces and personalities that i didnt get to see or touch or converse w/. suree, i find it incredibly exciting that at any given moment i can meet sumone new. whether it's walkin around campus or sittin in class, i have to opportunity to indulge myself in the development of a new friendship. however, these new friendships also seem soo fleetin. i barely get a conversation goin and the bell rings for the next class. and w/ sum of my class sizes who knows when i'll get to talk to him/her again. soo as i put very lil effort in pursuin any new friends, i continue to hang on to the old ones whether they are here or not. i feel like everyone's slowly movin on without me, leavin me with nothing but whispered promises and memories of what once was.

2003-09-04T03:06:00.000-05:00

whoaa, longg day and i havent been eatin much either..

only had two classes which was nicee. chilled at my dorm. pulled together our 1st scrimmage/practice for our co-ed intermural team. it was lots of fun. i hadnt played soccer in a couple of wks and i really missed it. i picked up two guys and a grl who will hopefully play on our team. we need more grls tho cuz u can only have one more guy than grl on the field at a time (i.e. 6 guys, 5 grls.) as i said it was greatt; i didnt want to stop but had to go to the women's rowing meetin. im soo excited about IM soccer. cant waitt til we play again. anyone's welcome to join us when we play if u want just contact me (tho i cant guarantee u a spot on the team if u're a guy if it fills up but ur welcome to scrimmage w/ us anyways).

well, about the rowin meetin. everyone always says rowin takes soo much dedication and both mental and physical strength. i really hope i can make it. tryouts are in two wks. i think i have a slight advantage tho cuz im small soo i can try bein a coxswain which is the position im esp interested in (in case u dont kno wat a coxswain is- it's the grl who sits at the front of the boat w/ the microphone and motivates/instructs the rowers and steers.) i think that would be an awesome position to try. sounds like trainings goin to be rigorous. tho actually coxswains are required to do all the physical trainin. tho i do want to get in shape. if i get in, i think it's goin to be a real test to stick w/ it. i hopee i have the motivation and heart.

walked across campus back to my dorm from jester tonitee. at 1st it was kinda scariee cuz it was around 10 pm and i still dont kno the campus all that well. it's soo dark and quiet at nitee, soo different from the bustlin campus at day. i stopped infront of the tower btwn the stone steps and stared up to the sky. i thought about all the ppl that died in that very spot when charles whitman climbed that tower a couple of decades ago. i looked up at the stars and i thought about how vast this world is- how much there is to learn and see. i realized how much UT has to offer, how many opportunities there are out there waitin for me to seize them. i was worried that i wouldnt fit in, that i wouldnt find my place. but now i dont think i really have to worry about that- there's soo much out there.. im just worried i wont have the time to try it all.

really need sleep now.. nitie nitee ppl

goin to NYC tomorrow yipee!

2003-08-29T00:37:00.000-05:00

im glad im goin back this wkend. real glad. im all stressed out about my schedule. i accidently dropped a class that i need and i cant get back into it soo i need to talk to the professor tomorrow. i hope i get it all worked out. i need to get more involved. hopefully ill get an co-ed intermural soccer team together soon. if anyone wants to play soccer pleasee tell me ESPECIALLY if u're a girl. cuz we need more grls on the team. i finally met sum new ppl today. sum of shawnee's friends came over to watch VMA w/ us. they're really kewl and i think we would get alongg real well. shawnee's ritee, i dont have many grl friends. i hang w/ guys all day cuz that wat im confortable w/. personally, it's a lot harder for me to make gooodd grl friends than guy friends. a lot of grls are soo dramatic and judgmental that sumtimes it's hard to handle. guys seem to be soo much more laid back and dont worry about as much (or at least dont show it). i dont think it's a bad thing that i have more guy friends.. i guess im just use to it cuz as a kid i grew up w/ all guy friends. i mean how many grls can appreciate the finer things in life... like the arcades =D. haha

i wish that i was gooodd enough to be on the UT soccer team. i think it would make me feel like i belonged more. eventho i wasnt soo gooodd when i played in high skool, i miss bein on a team. puttin on a jersey and representin my skool out on the field, always made me feel proud. i cant waitt til i get to play soccer again. even if it's intermural. at least ill hopefully be w/ my friends. ill give me sumthing to do. it'll be a place where i fit in- the soccer field.

2003-08-27T01:49:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow classes start. i was really excited. i thought i was ready for college to be here. i thought i had finally accepted reality and my surroundings. I was really enjoyin the freedom and friends all around me. In the day time Im constantly busy either dealin w/ my schedule or hangin w/ my friends and i like it that way. but at nitee i feel soo empty sittin in front of my tv/comp. no matter how many high skool friends i have at UT, it doesnt feel enough. i want to go back to high skool when i knew that everyone who i cared about and everyone who cared about me were ritee there. that i could see them and/or talk to them everyday. and that if i needed them, they would be there. soo who's here now? Who can i count on to get me through the nitee when the sun has set and the chips are down..?
---------------------------------------------------------
on a brighter note, oren took me to gamestop today (thanx!) and i got an application and he said he'll be hirin around oct. i dunno if im goin to be ready to work then. soul calibur 2 hadnt come in yet, which sux. but we went to the arcades after dinner (yay!) and i beat Time Crisis 3!! thanx to the help of sum azn dude who was playin b4 me. it was lots of fun.

I miss my family, i miss my friends, i miss my bro, i miss my hubby, i miss you.

2003-08-26T02:10:00.000-05:00

Sat- went to eat dim sun w/ family for lunch. then my dad and yee po went back to houston. went to eat dinner w/ elaine where she babysits two kids (Karley and Brant). the kids are soo cutee tho such a hand-full. i hope i get to start babysittin them too. it pays real well. then i spent hrs tryin to figure out how to get my comp to work but ended up still unsuccessful.

Sun- woke up early to go to church at the Student Catholic Center. elaine brought the two kids w/ her. went kiyaking w/ my sis at zinker park in austin. it was lots of fun but very tiring. had sonics and went back to campus. met up w/ sum friends. played foosball. the grls kick the guys (oren, dino, nathan, and my twin johnny) butts in foosball. then we went back to my dorm to play ps2.

Mon- woke up fairly early again. walked to the stadium. stood in line for 3 hrs! to get tickets to the sun football game against New Mexico State, i thinkk. it was pretty boring and unbearable. ohh well. met up w/ the guys and had lunch. bought a Raphael poster of two cherubs and four Monet waterlillies imprints. went back to Kin to meet up w/ san and her parents who came for the day. she baked me yummy cookies yay! thanx =D went to the student union to go bowlin. then went to the drag. co-op and arcades. i kicked butt in soul calibur2. it comes out on ps2 tomorrow! yipee! went to casino nitee w/ my cousin. it was alritee. played blackjack, it was fun. got to talk to my roommate, Elva, more. she seems pretty nicee. i think we'll get along just finee.

im ready for class to start. actually pretty excited. i need to do awesome-ly well this semester. a lots countin on it. austin makes me tiredd. it must be the walkin. i need my sleep. hope everyone's doin well. nitie nitee world.

2003-08-22T22:40:00.000-05:00

moved into my dorm today. havent seen my roommate yet. hope she's nice. Im likin it here in austin. cleaned the place and unpacked everything. ate pho for lunch. went to target and bought most everything that i needed. went to this movie place called Alamo where u can eat dinner while u watch the movie. it's pretty kewl. SWAT was a gooodd movie too. now im back at my sis' apartment, just chillin w/ the family.

I dont think it's really kicked in yet that im actually in college now...

I like Austin, but I already miss Houston.

2003-08-22T00:08:00.000-05:00

leavin on a jet plane, don't kno when i'll be back again...

(well, not exactly on a jet plane..)

it seems soo soon; i dont feel ready. im scared and nervous and sad and excited all in one. the excitement seems to be dyin down tho and sadness seems to be conquerin. im gonna miss everyone soo much, esp those goin outta state, cuz it'll prob be another few months b4 i see u guys again.

i hope i left you guys w/ gooodd times and memories to cherish. dont forget me okk?

my advice to all the seniors now.. cherish every second u spend w/ ur friends b/c in wat feels like a blink of the eye, u'll part ur ways.

everyone have a blast in college and life. and write me whenever u can (ask for addy). or email/IM me. or call me up.

miss ya all *hugs*

no goodbye's, just see ya laters.

2003-08-21T02:49:00.000-05:00

sumtimes i look too far ahead. that's where i go wrong. Being a long term kinda of person, I look too far into the future- expectin there to be a future. I look for potential and possibilities. i concentrate soo much on findin happiness in the long run that i often disregard whether im happy or not in the present. i need to learn to seize the day- carpe diem while not givin up who i am or wat i believe. i need to stop sittin here regrettin all the things i didnt do (or did do for that matter).

2003-08-21T02:29:00.000-05:00

Instead of takin one step forward, I think I've taken 2 steps back. or maybe it's just a vicious cycle.

ohh well, i like it better back here than where i was before.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories

2003-08-17T23:12:00.000-05:00

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

2003-08-13T23:42:00.000-05:00

with college about to start in a couple of wks, a new chapter of our lives is about to begin, and i find myself sittin here wantin nothing more than to relive the past, realizin that i havent yet let go, and wantin to hold on as it slips out of my reach. i regret not realizin sooner that we were runnin out of time. and now that he's gone, i want him back.

I dont kno what exactly i would have changed, or how exactly i wanted it to end. I guess i just wanted to spend more time w/ you, go back to when i actually knew wat happiness meant, and make more memories (soo next time it would be 10 pages instead of just 5). i wanted to stand out. to be special. to.. last. i feel like the window of opportunity btwn us was never closed properly (nor do i ever want it to be closed). that even after a yr we find each other face to face, wonderin if things could have been different. we have been each other security blankets. reachin out for each other, when we were feelin needy or lonely. i spent a lot of time wonderin whether or not we were in love. i dont kno if ill ever figure out if i really did love you. but ritee now i dont really care. soo wat if it wasnt love. soo wat if we were different. soo wat if we wanted different things. none of that matters to me ritee now. all that matters is that at one point we were happy. we had our gooodd times. you made me extremely happy. and i thank you for that.

thank you for bein strong when i wasnt.
thank you for lookin out for my gooodd.

"No matter how far away, no matter how many states, whatever time of the day it is, we will always be together."

we survived a whole yr apart, 6 months ehh, no problem just a longg vacation, just another break.

dont worry ill bring back an 8 pack. i wont disappoint you. then we can make him jealous ; )

until then i'll miss you

2003-08-09T03:58:00.000-05:00

it's scariee how rash i can be when im angry. ive definitely inherited my mother's temper. i think i've just been on the edge a lot lately. and it seems like almost anything will push me over. eventho im excited about college and the freedom that comes w/ livin away from home, it's sad that things have to change.

now that my dad's in HK, ive spent a lot more time w/ my mom in the evenings. it's andy lau marathon week (more like month), it's incredible how many of his movies we have. it's quiteee a collection. ohh, he was soo suave when he was younger. he's soo sexy when he plays a gangster. *drools* however, now that my dad's not home, i dread dinner time.. cuz that's when my mom and my grandma (dad's mom) have to sit down at the same table and eat together. if u're wonderin wat's soo bad about that, u must not kno either of them. my mom, grandma, yee po, and I eat dinner together as the tension at the dinner table is soo greatt that sumtimes im scaredd to look up from my bowl. at least when my dad's here, i kno he'll handle my mom's temper and my grandma's stubborn attitude. but now it's all up to me to prevent world war 3 from breakin out at home. dont get me wrongg were not a disfunctional family. it's just that when two ppl who always have to have things their way live under the same roof, it gets a bit difficult for everyone to be pleased. ive always felt bad for my dad cuz he always gets caught in the middle. sumtimes it feels like the only thing keepin the house from bein torn in two is prob one of the only commonalities my mom and grandma share: love for my dad. it's not quitee soo bad now. over the yrs things have mellowed out, fights have been avoided, and sum sorta unspoken truce seems to have bnen formed. i guess wat keeps me on the edge of my seat at dinner are all the childhood memories and the lack of my dad's presence at the moment. but hangin on the wall of our dinning room is a framed needle-work from an old friend of my mom who passed away. remindin me of why my family's stuck together through thick and thin. "To love and be loved is the greatest joy on earth." despite the occasional arguments, I still feel very lucky for the family that i have. and i kno that no matter how lost i am in life, i can rely on my family to show me how it feels to be loved.

tonite i choose to smile and not worry about wat tomorrow will bring. sweet dreams you guys. nitie nitee world. =)

2003-08-06T03:11:00.000-05:00

life is life and i'll take it as it comes.

i can stand on my own two feet.

one day at a time.

2003-08-05T02:33:00.000-05:00

ice cream makes me feel better especially when it's made by my friend, ell..

how could i have passed up the one guy that didnt hurt me.. that didnt make me cry at nitee... too nice?! wat was i thinkin.. if only more ppl were "too nice" to me now. the one who didnt need me to change, i took for granted. the one who showed me how to have fun and be myself, i looked pass. he even wrote me a poem after i lead him on and broke his heart a number of times. now i understand how it's better to be the one hurt rather than the one doin the hurtin. after bein on the other side for once, it isnt any better. lookin back i feel stupid for bein soo blind. i im glad u're happy now. You, more than anyone, deserve happiness.

"When I am down and I am blue, all I have to do is close my eyes and think of you and the world is new."- I wish sumone thought of me like that now.

werd.

2003-08-02T03:13:00.000-05:00

i dont kno wat's wrong w/ me lately. every nitee i sit in front of my comp feelin like shit. i hate this. i hate feelin like this and not always havin a solid explanation why. i hopee it passes soon. cuz ritee now im pretty annoyed of my whiney self. for now, just bear w/ me.

"u look pretty when morning sun hits ur hair"
thanx

2003-07-28T01:24:00.000-05:00

*sighh* really need to stop buyin games.. bought my GBA SP on fri! it's awesome. luv playin it at nitee in the dark. i wonder why the gamegear never did that well eventho it had a built in litee and it came like 7 yrs b4 the GBA SP. prob b4 the lack of many gooodd games (like most sega systems) and the fact that it takes 6 AA batteries. anyways.. gave myself a $100 spendin limit on games til the end of the summer. which is actually a lot now that i think about it. ohh well, i already spent like $20 today.

if u arent convinced that im obssessed w/ buyin games.. here's a list of items ive bought from gamestop in the past wk and half:
Winning Eleven 6 (PS2)- i dunno returned cuz i forgot that i dont really like soccer games that much on systems cuz it's hard to see and real borin to play by urself
Street Fighter Alpha 3 (PS2)- wat more do i have to say it's street fighter! once i learn how to do the meteor combos it'll kick even more @$$
Metroid Fusion (GBA)- addictive except when i get stuck (like ritee now) and dont have anywhere to go, still lookin for it on the SNES
GT3 (PS2)- i actually wanted midnight club 2 which is an awesome game but this was like 3 times cheaper. plus i got the kewl red version that no one has =)
Jak & Dekter (PS2)- cant get enough of those platform games. they're soo much easier.
Spiderman (PS2)- eventho it's a children's game, u should still go through the trainin 1st cuz i was confusedd after skippin it.. or maybe it's just me. but i returned this game anyways.
GBA SP- once again it's awesome. built in light! rechargable batteries! the works. luv it.
today:
Capcom vs. snk2 (PS2)- happy marcus? this game is soo hard to find! too bad they lost the box and manual tho blehh on the holcombe store. we're soo much better =P
Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island (SNES)- yay! ive been misin this game soo much. i still have the manual from when i bought it the 1st time but sumhow lost the game.
Megaman Battle Network 3 Blue (GBA)- this seems like a potential return game. it's seriously been a longg time since ive played megaman but i didnt expect it to be like this. a bit of a let down.

only two more wks of work. how sad =*( im really goin to miss it and not just the discount and checkin out games (tho that was greatt!) but just bein there surrounded by games and people. ive become such the sales person. it's like instinctive, 2nd nature to sell stuff to ppl. it's craziee. a couple of customers complimented my saling approach. and i was like hell yeahh.. lol tho im suree sum are just thinkin wow, she's annoyin. ohh well, it's all part of the job. and i enjoy it soo much =)

Fri- went w/ sam to buy Al's present. omg, legolas is soo hott. ate dnner at Al's house and went to see Bad Boys 2 w/ her. hilarious movie! it was gooodd. me and Al always have soo much fun. it's greatt. gonna miss it soo much.

Sat- took my yee po grocery shoppin in chinatown and got tapioca. came home and played my GBA SP all afternoon. went out to dinner w/ my bro. we went to Gringos. soo muchh fooodd.. i was full for the rest of the nitee.

Sun- went to church, went to the astros game that i won tickets for at after prom. sam, carmen, my bro, and me. my 1st astros game. too bad we lost. didnt catch a fly ball either. ohh well, it was funnn.. and had a yummy hot dog.

hmm.. that's about all for now. nitie nitee world.

2003-07-24T02:43:00.000-05:00

i had a nice conversation w/ my mom on sunday. i actually volunteerily told her stuff that i hadnt bothered to explain before. now that im about to go off to college, im kinda regretful that im not closer to my parents. ive never felt that i could open up to them. it's surprising how well my mom understands. but why wouldnt she, come on, im her child, her daughter. ever since i was lil my mom's always told me this "find sumone who loves you more than you love him." ive always felt that was the wrong way to love and i still do. why restrict urself like that. why love at all if u're not goin to do it full heartedly. but a part of me cant stop wonderin how much pain i would have been spared both in the past and in the future if i did listen to my mom.

i love my mom. i love my family.

2003-07-24T02:10:00.000-05:00

(it's ironic how i use to turn away when he looked at me, scared that he would see my flaws- both inside and out. worried that he would one day realize my how far from perfection i really am. wat i didnt realize was that he was already lookin elsewhere. that she had already caught his eye. and now i couldnt pay him to look back at me or to even take a second to remember.

how is it fair.. it seems like it was all a lie. i dont think i'll ever understand how can u care about sumone for 6 months and then not even put forth the effort to stay friends. i hope she breaks ur heart.

not cause i want you back but because i want you to kno how it feels to be forgotten.)

2003-07-23T02:19:00.000-05:00

sighh i hate this time of the month.. soo many thoughts. soo emotional, i could cry u a river if u wanted.

Fri- was goin to go down to galveston. but that sadly fell through.. alison and marcus showed up and we played PS2 and spent an hr tryin to decide wat to do. went to jack in the box. then marcus went and did his stuff and we went and did ours. picked up devi, chilled w/ sam, and then picked up marcus to go see Pirates of the Carribean. annie met us at the theaters. got home. everyone else showed up around 8- shawnee, david, justin, and oren. ate pizza. then went bowling for two hrs. matt met up w/ us at the bowling alley. got home around 1 am. pujan finally got there. accidently set off the alarm which woke sum of my family up. oopss. played sum PS2. watched animatrix which most ppl fell asleep during. it was lots of fun. i have wonderful friends. esp Al who i can always count on to be there. stayed up til like 5 thinkin about how mad i am at sumone for not showin up. everyone left around 9-10 in the morning. except marcus who wouldnt get his laziee butt up. soo ended up goin to lunch w/ my family. then we went to D&B. and my dad actually ordered me drinks! had a passion fruit martini and a pina colada w/ strawberries. yummy. went to dinner at macaronni grill w/ family and family friends. i was soo full from the hamburgers we had at D&B that i could hardly eat. sam and marcus came back to my house and played magic *sighh* dorks.

thanx marcus for ruining "sugar sugar" for me. it was a perfectly finee songg. i quite enjoyed singin to it in my car.. u kno there's a sayin in cantonese that goes sumthing like this: "if u dont open ur big mouth, no one will say ur dumb." ever since u opened ur big mouth, i cant get that moment at stab outta my head. the song comes on, bein the 1st even semi-slow song played, the 1st person i wanted to dance w/ was him. as i start walkin towards him, i see him walkin, i watch him as he walks straight to her not even takin a look at my direction and starts dancin w/ her. it really sucks when the person u are thinkin about isnt thinkin about u. i wonder if anything reminds him of me...

sun- went to church, played soccer. got nailed in the stomach w/ the ball and started throwin up. ouchiee it hurt. then had work from 2-7 but didnt get outta there til almost 8. cuz our new 3rd key takes awhile to close out. got three visitors wohoo. thanx guys =)

overall i had a greatt 18th birthday. im legal now wohoo =)

today was a pretty gooodd day. went to gamestop to return a soccer game and trade in my GBA and 2 games to put towards my funds to buy a GBA SP! i have to get it b4 i stop working. i think im goin to put in my two wk notice on thurs. went to katy mills w/ sam. shopped around and bought a lot of clothes. went into a chocolate shop yummy. got a chocolate candy apple. i need to stop spendin soo much money. i really have no self control.

day went bad when my dad started pickin on me and lecturin me. he knew i was in a bad mood too. he should learn to just get off my back sumtimes. tennis was fun eventho i was tiredd and not feelin well.

well, i think i should get sum rest. maybe watch sum FRIENDS b4 i go to sleep to cheer myself up. nitie nitee world.

2003-07-21T22:29:00.000-05:00

had a wonderful bday this wkend. thanx everyone who came and for the bday wishes. my friends are greatt =)

im goin to miss you guys.

too tiredd to blog ritee now. more later. need to get sum sleep

2003-07-15T23:21:00.000-05:00

i wake up this mornin w/ tears rollin down my face. it's funny how subjects of conversations creep into my dreams at nitee and how my dreams often reflect my worries and fears.

hey al, it seems like we both cant be happy at the same time. it's either u or me. maybe we can alternate days.

that hurricane better stay far away.

maybe it's just been a bad day. im ready for this day to be over.

i look in the mirror and all i see are imperfections.

maybe tomorrow the sun will come out.

11:11

2003-07-10T03:39:00.000-05:00

hmm bloggin.. wow ive been shoppin a lot. my sis came back this wkend. went shoppin w/ san on fri. then we all went to see Italian Job. which i thought was soo gooodd. sat- i was soo happy when my manager called and said that i could have today off. went to the movies w/ bert, eric (longg time family friends) and my sis. saw T3 which was okk.. tho i thought it dragged on too long like tha car scene.. and didnt really like the ending. saw Sinbad too which i thought was really enjoyable. sun- i was reallly boredd. went to meyerland w/ jeff. bought a dress from express that was on sale! mon- i worked from 4-10. tues- i went to galleria w/ annie, devi, anuja, sonal, and priti. walked around. at nitee played tennis w/ san. had sum guy named anthony and his friend join in. they were pretty gooodd. a lot better than us tho it was fun. need to start playin on a more regular basis again. wed- went out to lunch w/ ding. to sum noodle place in chinatown and then got taipioca. it was nice talkin to him again, havent in a longg time. reminded me of last summer- seems like soo long ago. which reminds me i havent been to walgreen to buy candy in a long time. hehe woke annie up on accident.. didnt think she'd still be sleepin at 2:30 pm... well, it's annie afterall soo i guess im not surprised. hung out at her house. watched maid in manhattan. waited for gamestop to call back. mitee go in and work a he ghetto one tomorrow.. *shrug*

ohh gotta wake up early tomorrow to see if more classes have opened up for fall semester cuz tomorrow if registration day for session 7. soo i better sleep soon eventho i cant. kinda in a bad mood. tho today wasnt a bad day. well, nitie nitee world

2003-07-05T00:28:00.000-05:00

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!

2003-07-02T23:03:00.000-05:00

hmm.. wat i have been up to...

finding nemo was soo gooodd! it was soo cute. i die in the beginnin b/c the wimpie daddie fishiee cant protect the family. hmphh. nemo was soo cutee. had lots of fun. i want it when it comes out on dvd.

(warning: boring paragraph about work. skip to bottom if want to avoid my complaints)
works been awefully busy. forgot that i had work on mon. soo i was an hr late. worked 5-10. asked to come in tues mornin too eventho i wasnt scheduled soo bein the nice me i said yes. got there around 9 (which is way too early if u ask me..) organized the store and made it look real pretty cuz we thought that the district ppl where goin to come by and look around but they went to a couple of the stores and didnt even bother to stop by at ours hmphh.. soo i went in for no reason really.. didnt get off til around 3. AND THEN. my co-worker called me last nitee. they needed me to go in and help at the fondren and w. bellfort store that's real close to me.. soo eventho i once again wasnt suppose to work today, i went in from 1-5.. kirby, our district manager was there- he said that he hard a lot of gooodd things about me =) and soo did the other managers (YAY!) he was a lot nicer than i would think and he kept tellin the other managers when they arrived how i was doin everything ritee. he let me do Title On Hand (where we check to see which games we actually have in the store) for the 1st time. it was actually tedious. and there's nothing like workin at that store to make u appreciate my own store. the atmosphere is soo different... soo.. ghetto. and we're soo much more organized. they didnt have like half the games on display.. but i feel really bad cuz the manager and assistant manager of that store got fired. they supposedly had a lot of internal theft issues and the money always bein under and they're number of reps on display was only 50% of wat it should have been. it was kinda weird cuz i was the only grl in the store among like 1 head of law department, 1 district manager, 3 store managers, 2 assistant managers. and 2 other game advisors that were all guys (actually other than like one or two of them, they were all black soo i was kinda like the odd ball that didnt fit in but it was all kewl). i finally got to meet all these ppl above me that ive only heard about. they were all actually really nicee. the fondren store wants me to go in again tomorrow from 11-3 and then im scheduled at my store from 4-10.. that's like 10 hrs w/ only 1 hr in btwn.. sighh... i kno i complain about it a lot about work. but it's not always soo bad i actually sorta enojoyed it today other than all the drama of course =( cant wait for pay day tho! $$$

Al came over tonitee for dinner and we hung out and played PS2. we talked for a longg while. it was nicee. we actually opened up a lot about different things that we hadnt talked about. im glad we've stayed best friends for 4 yrs now.. i remembered why i love hangin out w/ her. i miss it and im already missin her. she the only one outside of my family whose really stuck through it w/ me for the past 4 yr. no matter wat pulled us apart, we eventually found our ways back together. and i kno no matter wat our paths wont stop crossing...

everyone's goin on vacation.. im stuck here w/ work to keep me busy. at least i'll get to hang w/ my sis this wkend. have fun everyone!

2003-06-30T01:31:00.000-05:00

ohh, blogger changed.. it's all blue and pretty now. havent posted in a while. been up in austin for orientation.

day 1- went over to annie's the nitee b4 and watched gattaca (her fav movie) until i fell asleep in the middle of it. got up britee and early in the morn around 5am. her dad drove us to austin. dropped me off at my sis' place. my sis and i took the bus to UT and registered. met up w/ annie. got our IDs- on which i look really really bad. met up w/ a bunch of bellaire ppl and had lunch at jester city limits. hung out, walked around. blah blah blah meetin meetin meetin borin borin borin went back to my sis place*snore*

day 2 walked around the campus sum more. took a stress test. my stress was soo high it almost broke the machine lol. then we just hung out.

day 3 went to advisin. went to a meetin on rec sports. im goin to play intermural soccer.. maybe ill start my own co-ed team. who wants to join? it'll be fun. played bball at gregory w/ sam, oren, and daniel- the gym is soo nicee. went to this dance thing at nitee. we stayed up til like 6am makin our schedules and talkin. "slept" at annie's dorm sittin up. until we woke up and nearly ran to registration to get in line. registered for our classes- that went pretty well. got all the classes that i want and the times r okk.. hung around had lunch and then went back to my sis place. where i napped til my cousin came to take us back to houston

overall, orientation was lots of fun. i cant wait til college! i actually want to live in jester over kinsolvin now eventho it looks like a prison. it's soo much more convenient i think. well, we'll see.

2003-06-23T02:40:00.000-05:00

wkend was lots of fun- sleep over at marcus' house fri nitee. went grocery shoppin, marinated meat, and made mashed potatoes. bbq on sat was awesome. tho i broke my phone cuz it was in my pocket when we flipped over in the canoe. and left it at his house too. =/ sun- i was so tiredd.. church, soccer, dim sum, then work. i could barely stay awake.. need more sleep.

it's scariee how sum ppl kno me better than i kno myself.

i wish i had never changed. i dont like who i've become. and i cant say it's really me.

actually, i just dont kno who i am anymore.

i thought u were suppose to find urself throughout high skool. it's only been a couple of wks since we've graduated and i've lost myself again.. or maybe i just never found myself in the first place. i dunno.

sleep. that's wat ill do. that's wat i always do- soo useless i am.

2003-06-20T01:33:00.000-05:00

annie's bday- woke up britee and early in the morning (9am), went grocery shoppin, boughts lots of yummy foood, met annie and oren at the park and had a lil picnic. it was nicee. tho lots of fooodd left over. went back to my house and watched About a Boy. lol now annie cant stop speakin like the British. had popcorn and, of course, chocolate =) it was lots of fun. hope u guys had fun too. and *gaspp* annie VOLUNTARILY gave me a hug today! (if u kno annie, u would kno how big of a deal that is). makes me happy =)

work was really busy tonitee. and i was sooooo hungry, i could barely stand it. my tummy was hurtin. =/ ohh well, i checked out sum PS2 game called Ratchet & Clank. my manager recommended it. dont think ill have too much time to play it this wkend.
soo far i've checked out and tried:
Matrix Reloaded (PS2)- it's kewl. i liked it. tho my parents think im violent now =P
Return to Castlewolfestein (PS2)- old comp version soo much better. it gave me a headache. i dont really like first person shooters tho
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (PS2)- i didnt get to play it too much. but i kept gettin busted by the cops. guess, im not a very gooodd thief =/

well, about time for sleep. nitie nitee ppl

2003-06-19T02:16:00.000-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNIE!!!
which also means...
WARNING: one month til my bday! start savin up tho of course it's the thought that counts =D

funniest work incident:
wed 6/18 around 12pm- mid-aged man walks into store.
me: hi, how are you? can i help u w/ sumthing? (my usual greetin)
man: do u have blah blah blah blah blah (sum long name that i didnt catch)
*pretendin like i knew wat i was doin, walks towards back of store, thinkin maybe it was sum dvd i've never heard of..*
me: wat was it that u were lookin for
man: the blah blah blah CD
me: ohh, we dont sell music CDs here (seein how this is a GAMEstop) all we sell is games and dvds
man: ohh, u sell dvds?
me: yes
man: do u have anything by playboy
*pause*
me: uhh, noo
*walks away*

tells manager, laughs
manager: this isnt a porn shop
my thoughts exactly...

2003-06-17T03:03:00.000-05:00

what goes around, comes around.. how true is that. now i truly know how ell felt and am sincerely sorriee for puttin him throgh that. im just glad he's happy now.

i have no one to blame but myself.

"you are the weakest link, goodbye."

2003-06-15T02:52:00.000-05:00

i smushed my finger in the door the other day. it really hurt. it turned black and blue. i still cant feel anything in the tips of my finger. but it's slowly gettin better. i kno it will. cuz time heals all wounds. but wat's the point of sumthing healin if u kno u're just bound to get it hurt again.

everytime the door gets slammed in my face. it hurts, it hurts real bad. but as time goes by it naturally heals. "For every door that is closed, another one is opened." but wat's the point of an open door if it's just goin to close on me eventually. soo why do they seem soo welcomin at first, why do i keep driftin towards them. ive tried holdin back, tried suppressin the feelings. but im not soo gooodd at pretendin.

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

i kno wat u mean when u say u want tonite to be over. but unlike u i cant sleep. why does life like to kick me in the butt all the time. does everything really HAVE to go wrong?

i need a shoulder. one that will hold up.

2003-06-14T02:58:00.000-05:00

dont feel like tellin. maybe later. exhausted. need sleep. nitie nitee world

2003-06-12T21:49:00.000-05:00

gahh.. soo full.

dont have much to say. today was pretty blehh. boring. work was uneventful. customers suck for not buyin subscriptions from me.. i like the morning/early afternoon (11-4) shift better than the 4-10pm shift. tho it's pretty boring cuz there's hardly anything to do and no customers to sell things to.

i lead such a boring life. i have nothin to say. later.

2003-06-10T20:02:00.000-05:00

Unwell

All day
Staring at the ceiling making
Friends with shadows on my wall
All night
I'm hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good
For something

Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why

(chorus)
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

See me
Talking to myself in public
And dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me

Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind

(chorus)

Talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
They'll be taking me away

2003-06-09T00:13:00.000-05:00

im tiredd and it's not even 12 yet.. hmphh

soo wkend.. hmm.. Fri- worked from 4-10. thanx Al for the present! it is soo kewl.. and of course I'll writee to u in it lol

Sat- lunch w/ family at HK Food Street which was pretty gooodd for the most part. shoppin at Galleria. REAL shirtless Abercombie guy!!! *faints*... ehem.. of course i meant Sam!!! *faints* hehe
family friend graduation dinner thingie.. wow, my parents actually spent pretty much.. lots of mulaa =)

Sun- church, yummy brunch, work 1:30-7.. the stupid A/C broke down for most of my shift. soo it was sooooo hot in the store. gahhh. it was miserable. hopefully it wont break down tomorrow. *prays*

well, im pretty sleepie. nitie nitee peepz.

2003-06-05T01:49:00.000-05:00

barely startin and already disappointed. why did i ever let my hopes get up. always waiting. lyin awake w/ my phone clutched in one hand on the slight chance that u mitee remember me- that you might take sum time out of ur busy schedule and remember to call like you said you would. staring at the stars on the ceiling, thinkin of you and hopin that you too were thinkin of me. but i guess i expect too much. you say it's not nothing. but soo far all it's been are words. words are soo meaningless when not backed up by actions. dont ever say anything u dont mean. dont ever make promises that u cant keep. suree, a visit would have been awesome considerin it's been a while. but the least u could have done was called.. is one phone call really that much to ask for? u say that u out of all ppl understand. u tell me not to compare u to others cuz u're differrent- but sumtimes it's hard not to.. endless waiting. why am i back in this position. i feel soo useless.

soo eaily pushed aside, soo easily forgotten...

2003-06-02T23:49:00.000-05:00

WHEEEEEEEEEEEE =D

2003-06-01T22:42:00.000-05:00

BELLAIRE CLASS OF 2003!

2003-05-29T22:41:00.000-05:00

i hate blogger. i should have like twice as many post as i do now.. grr..

i cant believe it's over. today was the last day of my high school life.. i could go on and on about how much ill miss u guys and how big an impact u've had on me. but it doesnt really seem like the end. we still got all summer

one of my biggest fears about leavin high skool is that ill be forgotten. that i havent left a big enough impact or made enough memories to stay in ppl's minds. that once everyone goes their seperate ways, everything will be forgotten. all i ask of u is to remember me. whether i've been a big part of ur past, or i just met u this yr.. suree it'd be nice to keep in touch w/ all my friends from high skool, but how realistic is that. soo if we fail to keep in touch, i just wish that 10 yrs from now u'll look back to ur high skool yrs and ill be sumwhere in the picture. whether i was the grl u once lent ur shoulder out to cry on, or whether i was the grl that once brought happiness to ur heart or a smile to ur face. i wish not to be forgotten.

I Will Remember You

(by Sarah McLachlan, Seamus Egan, and Dave Merenda)

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories

2003-05-28T02:15:00.000-05:00

okk finee. back to Sun- it was all soo greatt. and just cuz i didnt blog about u, doesnt mean it meant nothing.. u kno that's not true. i just didnt kno wat. and it's ur fault for confusin me and not talkin to me *hmphh* plus i have it all secure and locked away sumwhere safer than my blog..

i was reminded i still have to rewrite my prom blog.

shoppin (tho for a very short amnt of time) was fun. esp. when we all thought that the others had left the store. we were all at the discovery store. (they have kewl dump truck toys!) albrt and i were sittin there readin sum book about how to kill time when waitin for things to DL at ur comp. when we got up we didnt see sam, jonathan or june. soo we thought they had ditched us. soo we leave to the food court. jonathan finds us like 5 min later and asked us where we went. he supposedly was playin w/ the dump trucks still which is in the back. and him bein soo not-tall we must have not seen him. and then sam and june come down like 5 mins after that. they had been in the corner tryin out merchandise. the stores not even that big, it was pretty funny.

yeahh, soo now my brain hurts (thanx a lot.. grr...) i was happy. now im more confused/ scared(?). i dont kno. i dont want to feel like im competin anymore esp not w/ her. too many losses kinda ruins one's self-esteem.

but overall, im happy now. i had a pretty gooodd day. and i think tomorrow will be a gooodd day too. i better go to bed now. nitie nitee

2003-05-26T23:35:00.000-05:00

my wkends been quite a blast.

Sat- work from 10-4 (blehh). "volunteerin" at earth day from 5-8. tho we didnt do anything. basically we got free t-shirts. sat under the tent to avoid the sun. heard jewel and kelly clarkson. and got to see michelle branch pretty close up. man, she's awesome.

yeahh, soo the party was a blast. and to think i almost didnt go. im glad i did. swimmin (gettin thrown in grr..) and dancin.. lots of fun tho it's in situations like that that i see how much i've changed. and i cant say i always like who i've become. maybe ur ritee i just havent accepted myself. soo how can i expect others to accept me if i cant accept myself. and how do i kno that's even really me. wow, must be the 1st time i've confused you instead of the other way around. tho im always confused. always leave it up to u to bring things up on the dance floor tho u're obviously not coordinated enought to dance and talk at the same time. "I will remember u, will u remember me?" *tears* vitiman c graduation song *tears* i never find myself whole-heartedly havin fun anymore. im always engulfed in thought about one thing or another. it was.too much of the past and the present all in one room.

dancin to the superman song was nicee =)

sleepover. yay. marcus' tan line was hilarious- and sam randomly laughin about it through out the day. i like to sit in the dark w/ my thoughts (like im doin now) or maybe even w/ a friend. singin. talks. movies. not bein able to sleep. brrrrr.. freezin cold cuz sumone doesnt kno how to share. jerry springer lol. wat to think? who knows.

Mon- Shawnee's house for potluck dinner. I made fried rice! and it was actually gooodd. tho my yee po helped a lil. i still made it. life as a house- shower scenes of Hayden and then My Big Fat Greek Weddin. yummy yummy deserts. the chocolate tart was soo gooodd w/ vanilla ice cream. a detour that lasted longer than expected due to my lack of ability to speak and his lack of willingness to speak. screamin parents kinda left it hangin

well. guess it's time for sleep then. nitie nitee world

2003-05-24T02:04:00.000-05:00

i have lots to say. prob wont have the time but where to start...

i really dont like hospitals. i never have. i remember visitin my mom at work when i was younger. i didnt like it then and i dont like it now. that's y i never wanted to volunteer at a hospital cuz they always seem soo depressin. maybe i should get over that since it seems like ill be spendin more time there..

picked up prom pics from skool, which are bad quality and frosty at least they offer 6 free party pics or a refund. went to Shawnee's house and chilled. saw Down w/ Love which was okk, not quite as gooodd as expected. but Ewan McGregor in a towel. ehh, who can complain?
movie hopped (for like the 2nd time in my life) to Bend it like Beckham!! which was such a funny movie! (and annie soo wat if i imagined myself as the main grl.. she got to kiss the hott guy!!) ohh my, was that coach cutee.. (y dont i ever get cute coaches not fair!) whoaa, pass me sum moree chocolate <-- u wouldnt have gotten then unless u saw Down w/ love b4 hand

hmm dont want to blog about that...
sumtimes i expect too much and sumtimes i just dont learn from my mistakes..

now that's skool basically over, there's not really a point in bloggin this i guess but i just dont want it to end like this.
it's been buggin me for sum time now. ever since the whole prom group split-up occurance (and maybe a lil b4 that), i've felt like we've caused a split in our group. at the time i agreed it seemed like a gooodd idea and it was mutually agreed on by everyone it seemed, but now it doesnt seem like it was such a greatt thing. we didnt plan prom together as a group. which meant less talkin together at lunch cuz that's basically all anyone talked about a month or 2 b4 prom. we didnt arrive together as a group of friends which wasnt a big deal i guess but we sat at different tables. i just seemed weird. ever since, it's seemed like our group has spilt into two. i thought i was the only one who noticed it. but one day at lunch, annie says look we're like in two groups. eventho i had been feelin it for sum time, i tried to play it off. and then i said sumthing more truee than i'd even realized.. "see, im in the middle. im like a bridge btwn you guys." that's wat i feel like. i feel torn btwn my friends. i feel like we r no longer one group but a couple of smaller groups.
like today we had planned on goin to the movies. we had told alison that we were goin to the 1:30 showin but then had to change it to the 2:50 showin realizin that we didnt have enough time. but alison had already gone home. they were like we should prob call her . and they all automatically looked at me.. like i was the only one who had her number...
we're all friends.. it's not that easy bein the bridge. but there's no where else for me to go. nor would i want us to split up. i dont wanna choose sides- it wouldnt be fair to ask that of me- hopefully ill be able to hold on long enough for us to come together again. tho we dont have much time left...

well, nitie nitee world

2003-05-22T01:55:00.000-05:00

I cant believe it.. tomorrow's the last full day of skool.

I dont want to go. I dont want things to change. i dont want to be forgotten.

i havent made the impacts. i havent left the marks. i havent made the difference.

but lookin back, i guess there's nothing i'd really do differently. no regrets.

these 4 yrs have had its up and downs. but overall high skool's been a blast.

I thank my friends for makin it all worth while.

For you Al, thanx for everything. no goodbyes cuz this is not the end..

Friends
Packing up the dreams
God planted
In the fertile soil of you
I Can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

(CHORUS)
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say "never"
Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

(CHORUS)
~ Michael W. Smith

2003-05-19T22:45:00.000-05:00

Another turning point a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go
So make the best of this test and don't ask why
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

2003-05-19T22:44:00.000-05:00

2003-05-19T22:05:00.000-05:00

from my profile:
I dont even want to think about how lil time we have left before our high school life comes to an end as we kno it. I cant believe how fast it has gone by. As a freshman, I thought it would never come to an end, but now I wish it didnt have to. To my friends, esp Al, no matter how much distance is btwn us, Ill always be there for u.

no worries Al, it'll all be okk.

i could write a short book on all that im feelin/want to say, but i dont think i will.

2003-05-19T15:14:00.000-05:00

hmm.. i havent really been keepin up w/ my blog much esp since i lost that long blog about prom (which i still have to re-type sumtime)... soo ill start off where i left off.

soo Sun after prom I get home around 8:30 from Shawnee's house. Im dead tired soo I fall ritee asleep, only to be woken up 3 hrs later by a phone call from work.. greatt... she tells me that i was suppose to work from 11-7 that day.. okk 1st of all i told them that i wasnt typically available on Sun til 2pm, and 2nd they never told me how the whole schedule works thing works- like when the new schedule comes out and that i need to go in and check it weekly (cuz they had previously called me to tell me). soo i tell her i cant come in cuz i havent gotten any sleep. my mom's all worried that im goin to get fired now.

Mon- Senior Skip Day was quite boring cuz most of my friends went to skool, and there was no one for me to talk to. went to see Xmen 2 w/ the poo poo head who actually went to skool and wasted sum valuable time. but that movie kicks sum serious @$$. tho i supposedly missed sumthing important at the end. guess ill have to watch it again.

Thurs- Band Concert- got there a bit late and missed ell's solo (sorriee!) but it was overall nicee and relaxin. free fooodd afterwards always a plus! =) made a stop and watched the eclipse. it was awesome. when's the next one?

Fri- had work from 4-10. thanx guys for comin to visit me =) and a double thanx to ell for makin a reservation! unlike everyone else who didnt buy anything..

Sat- math club banquet. never eat sushi at a chinese buffet *yuckiee* waterballons/guns, gettin thrown in the pool, swimming, like 3 cell phones dyin, soccer in the pool, checkin out grls lol =P, cleanin (more like floodin) the club house, etc etc it was fun.

Sun- church. soccer. work meetin, starbucks, long talk

2003-05-18T23:04:00.000-05:00

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

2003-05-16T15:13:00.000-05:00

there was a lunar eclipse last nitee around 9. anyone else see it?! it was soo kewl! tho i've seen them b4 it was still amazing..

too bad still couldnt see any stars

2003-05-14T23:55:00.000-05:00

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.

i cant believe u. u made me want to cry in eco. u're not suppose to be soo sweet. im glad everything got written down not that i'd forget. tho i couldnt let myself read on- not there, not then.

did u watch Dawson's Creek tonitee? i dont usually watch that show but my sis does. it was the series finale. Joey chose Pacey (which really pissed me off..) but she and Dawson will always be together. They will always have sum special connection no matter how many yrs go by or how far apart they are. their love will always be soo pure and innocent. sumthing beyond friends. beyond lovers. kinda reminded me of us in a way..

2003-05-14T23:29:00.000-05:00

finee.. another attempt to post...

Prom was a blast. step-by-step recap (i dont have the patience to write all of this in one nitee.. again... soo ill just keep addin on when i got time..)

Fri- PreProm Party! well, it wasnt much of a "party" since it was basically just the 4 of us (and margo for a lil while). but it was tons of fun. parent, yummy fooodd, and hot tub =P too bad the stars werent out.. detour. hmphh.. i dont see my star. or urs. red sky-doesnt that mean rain the next day? anti-rain dance lol. long talk. playin catch-up. gooodd old times. it really was. it's not like i dont feel the past resurfacin everytime. and it's not soo much that I wont let u.. it's more like u dont need me. u have everything u need. she's exactly wat u need. our mindsets are/were too different. yes, im the long term kinda grl. dont change, u say.. i dont think i can if i tried (and yes, i've tried). i've grown a lot these past 2 yrs. wat doesn't kill u, only makes u stronger.

Prom- (check back later)

Afterprom-

Prom afterthought- didnt mean to step over the line. not really suree where the line is- that's my problem. and it's not like i was doin most of the steppin. i just didnt kno wat to think, wat to do. it wasnt exactly the most comfortable situation considerin the conflictin feelings btwn us. it seemed like it was goin to be alritee at the time. guess we both got swept in the moment. but it's behind us now, and we'll be more careful. just glad we're still friends.

2003-05-09T18:26:00.000-05:00

wow, i had a grly nitee last nitee =P pampered myself. sum 1st actually. im soo excited for prom yay!

headin off to pre-prom party soon yipee!

who's as excited as me!!?

2003-05-07T22:32:00.000-05:00

soo i havent blogged in a while. mainly just been a bit busy. worked on mon from 4-10. i feel kinda bad cuz i asked him if i could not work fri eventho i previously agreed on it (wat was i thinking..) but all is gooodd. sumone please, i mean PLEASEE, come in and either 1) make a reservation on a game (for only $5) or 2) buy a suscription for Game Informer (for 10 issues and 10% off any used games for only $10!!) cuz i really dont want to get fired. tho if u just come in to viist me that is much appreciated too. but ull prob have to check w/ me to see when i work.

she does deserve to have a special nitee. God knows she's worked for it. i want her to be happy. and i would go to any means to makes suree she is. but it's really not my place to. she's not relyin on me to make her nitee. she doesnt need me for happiness. she barely needs me at all anymore (at least less, a lot less). and maybe that's not such a bad thing. i havent always been the best of friends. and im not always that reliable. i have my flaws. but im not soo suree he is either.. just cuz well, i dont kno him that well. and that makes me a bit nervous. if only it was my place.. i want to reach out and fix everything that could possibly go wrong soo that it is a perfect nitee if not for myself at least for her. cuz as a friend that's the least (and maybe last) thing i could do for her..

and truthfully, i just realized that maybe that's not all it. i have my own selfish reasons. after all the movies and tv shows, prom is all hyped up in my mind. not only in the havin-a-blast-w/-my-friends way but also in the romantic aspect. i have all the perfect pictures painted in my head. and i guess im tryin to live my dreams through her in a way. i mean if i cant have all of that, at least she should ritee? and im not sayin im not goin to have a blast at prom- cuz im goin to make suree i do. but no matter how wonderful a guy Ell is, that aspect is still goin to be lackin (dont take this the wrong way plz). im not sayin that it's goin to be any less fun nor any less special. just different from how i imagined it guess. that's y i should never look ahead. my imagination gets me in trouble sumtimes. "but always have a positive outlook" who knows maybe it'll be better than i expect. (Ell, I hope u didnt take any of that in the wrong way. cuz u kno i am really glad that we're goin together. u r a great friend and i couldnt ask for more. soo just be urself and we're goin to have a blast i kno we are.. but sumtimes i cant help wonderin. and i hate myself for it...) but it doesnt stop me from bein excited and maybe even a bit nervous cuz it's gonna be a blast

Cal AP tomorrow. soo screwed ohh well, i dont care (soo maybe im lyin when i say that, but who cares)

nitie nitee

2003-05-04T23:09:00.000-05:00

Fri- as the sayin goes.. i got out on the wrong side of bed. .(or sumthing like that). b4 even walkin into skool things were goin wrong. u think im stronger than this, but i still cant stand it. glad it was a short day at skool. the worse thing is i didnt even put in the effort to cheer myself up cuz sumtimes it's just too hard and sumtimes i see no point. tho a hug does wonders. i hit the showers to get ready for band banquet. i hear my mom and grandma arguin.. i thought if one more thing goes wrong, i will breakdown and cry. but then got better, a lot better. (except burnin my fingers grr.. but that's a story for another day.) went to band banquet w/ el. started out kinda boring but then.. let's just say i took a lil trip outside of my shell. many many sugar packets+music+dancin+same ole el+a different me+a very very dfferent jeff =P. i really just didnt care wat everyone else thought and just let loose for once cuz i needed to have fun. (and for whoever's readin this, get ur lil mine out of the gutter cuz nothing happened.) i had a blast- truthfully, hadnt had that much in a long time. then walgreens was interesting.. bubbles lol. (not to mention the glass.. ) im glad we got everything figured out. had me worried that i slipped up again and gave u the wrong idea. never meant to. glad to kno we're on the same page now tho

Sat- woke up at 9 to "study" cal w/ annie. didnt get too much done. went to jap party. played grls vs boys bball (of course we kicked butt =P), ping pong, yummy food, sushi!, listenin to them play the guitar. pictures, waterballons/guns fight, soakin wet, park, playground, swings!, sand volleyball, dino tryin to throw me in the sand, but losin and gettin more sand on himself. =P hosing down, bonding, laughing, hugs. it was soo much fun. think we all got closer in a way. cant believe it's been 4 yrs. cant believe we'll be leavin soon. im gonna miss all u guys soo muchh..

prom less than a wk away. cant wait. it's gonna be a blast
new altered prom dress, new wrap, semi-new purse, semi-old shoes, still missin jewelry tho.. gotta get that soon hopefully.

work tomorrow.. 4-10, work fri =( that means possibly no pre-prom party for me =( but im goin to try and change it.. *crosses fingers*

okk.. english AP tomorrow. wish me luck! nitie nite guys

2003-05-02T18:29:00.000-05:00

thanks

2003-05-02T01:34:00.000-05:00

I never really liked changes. but lately i feel like i've been changin. nothing big and prob not noticeable to others. just lil things. one step at a time im tryin to become sumone im not- or maybe this is who i am. maybe im just now findin myself. or maybe im just lookin for excitement in change. i dunno, all i kno is that i often wish that i was sumone else. anyone else. how am i suppose to expect others to love me if i dont even love myself.

2003-05-01T01:12:00.000-05:00

yay! today was my 1st day and worked 5.5 hrs. im soo tiredd and my feet hurt. and didnt get to eat dinner til 10. but it was all gooodd.

today was a pretty normal day. ohh except we got our yearbooks! i dunno.. i have mixed feelings about this yea'rs book. i think the covers too plain and black's a lil dull and a bit gloomy. it just didnt seem soo special. but im suree they all worked very hard on it soo i guess i shouldnt be soo critical.

ehh, my report card was pretty bad too.. but let's not talk about that..

my stupid notebook that i use for most of my classes keeps scratchin me. i have like 3 scratches on my left arm just from today.

college stuff: yesterday i called UT and they said they'd be sendin me a dorm contract soon. they haven received my health records yet but they extended the deadline to May 15 i think soo any of u who hasnt turned it in yet dont worry too much but u should prob call them to make suree. soo finally i can stop stressin out about college stuff, for now at least... i guess everything wil be okk

yay dont have to go to skool til 10:30 tomorrow tho parkings prob goin to be a problem ohh well. maybe i should skip 1st period. it's not like we do anything. then i can sleep in even more.. hmm... tempting.. very tempting...

well, nitie nitee ppl. =)

2003-04-29T22:41:00.000-05:00

tomorrow's my 1st day of work! everyone come visit me at the gamestop across from meyerland. 4:30-9:30. im goin to be trained tomorrow. im excited tho kinda nervous. i cant waait til i get my 1st pay check! im broke

i forgot to study for eco test tomorrow uh ohh. need to finish up beloved. and study for jap quiz (tho i dont kno wat it's on)..

goin downstairs now soo i can get sum work done.

2003-04-29T22:35:00.000-05:00

"You forgot to smile
I loved you
You hurt me
You came back to me
You left me"
~ Beloved by Toni Morrison

I actually read the english assignment last nite for once. and Im glad i did and kinda wished I had started readin earlier. Beloved is a surprisingly gooodd book. At least the section that I read was not filled w/ long, over-detailed descriptions that cover pages and pages at a time. 3 of the chapters were written as streams of conscience of each character. and the 4th was composed of all 3 of their thoughts mxed together. it's very interestin to see how ppl think.

2003-04-28T22:27:00.000-05:00

i wore a *gasps* skirt to skool today. =P it was the 1st time in my 4 yrs os HS to wear a skirt to skool. (yeah, im not the girly grl type.) but it was a nicee change. wanted to try sumthing different. plus i like the skirt i bought from express. it was funny seein ppl's reactions. hehe i would say hi to sumone in the halls and their eyes automatically went to my skirt w/ a surprised look on their face. it was funny lol.

i rocked the cal test! go me! along w/ devi and daniel who sit on either side me. we all got the same perfect score. she must have gotten suspicious.. lol prob thought we cheated of devi.. im surprised that i did soo well eventho it was an easy test. maybe ill get exemptions after all =D

im failin english tho =( those stupid daily quizzes on Beloved r killin me. i just realized how badly im screwed. i need to read. i want exemptions! but i kno i prob wont get it.. just hope i pass *sighh*

i went to the amnesty international thing after skool today for extra credit in mr clark's class (EC really needed) and fooodd! a band played really really loudly. couldnt hear them sing.. stayed for the 1st speaker who talked about the death penalty. it was actually pretty interestin tho i was in kinda a rush to get out of there (to do UT stuff). i dont think about it too much. but if i had to take a side, i would be against the death penalty. life is sacred. we dont have the right to play god.

okk think ill be okk on the college stuff *crosses fingers* they got my enrollment deposit today (thanx sis!), i hate how they close there offices by 5.. and housin office closes by 4:30. soo i didnt get to speak w/ them. but i did manage to get a new UT EID password and it's workin now. much relieved. tho still havent figured out dorm stuff yet. think im gonna call during lunch cuz cant risk forgettin afterskool...

im tiredd. took a 2 hr nap after skool. need to go shower and read beloved. later

2003-04-27T21:51:00.000-05:00

*breath in, breath out*

definitely need to listen to my happy music tonite..

2003-04-27T21:37:00.000-05:00

okk. college update. sis took UT enrollment deposit up w/ her today. got my medical record form filled out and signed- dad makin a copy of it tomorrow and sending it off. still gotta figure out UT EID and stuff about dorms. where do i go to pay the dorm deposit? if anyone wants to help me, plz IM me or talk to me.

tryin to maintain a somewhat friendly relationship w/ my parents.. can see myself failin ritee now. can see myself losin control. im actually surprised that i havent blown up on them yet..

ANDY RODDICK LOST!! ahhhhh, how could he? he's soo cutee! my dad got to see him, agassi, and others practice the other day. i cant believe he didnt bring me grr...

listenin to drops of jupiter by train. just cant get tiredd of that song.

2003-04-27T01:24:00.000-05:00

ahh, i havent done anything for UT..cant remember my UT EID password (i kno im pretty stupid).. enrollment deposit, dorm deposit, medical form.. none... i was freakin out this afternoon b/c i couldnt find the medical record form. i practically flipped my whole house inside out. it doesnt help that my parents are of no help watsoever. b/c they dont fully support my decision- and r still tryin to persuade me to change my mind which is gettin to be beyond annoyin and frustrating. cant they just respect my decision.. and thank you all of u who have beared w/ me and calmed me down in times of crisis cuz i need all the support i can get ritee now.

i went shoppin today at the galleria w/ my sis. made her walk around a lot. not very efficient shoppers. looked for clothes that i can wear to work when i start. bought a really cutee skirt. sum black pants. and finally got a belt and the kewl thing about it is it's reversible =P it's both black and brown in one! i love reversible things. i still need shoes. went to eat at Wing and Things for the 1st time tonitee. not bad. i spent all my money today.. tho buying things is a greatt stress reliever...

i should prob go to bed soon b4 my daddy kills me.. okk nitie nitee world

2003-04-26T01:31:00.000-05:00

grr.. cant remember UT EID password... im soo behind. havent done anything...

2003-04-26T01:16:00.000-05:00

wow, havent posted in a while
my sis's home! yay

study group tomorrow for Cal. early, early for a Sat morning.
then shoppin w/ my sis. need to get sum khakis, blouses, and shoes (for work).

i should prob go to sleep soon.
nitite nitee guys

2003-04-23T23:39:00.000-05:00

sumtimes it scares me how fast my mood can change..

teach me to smile through the pain
teach me to laugh away the tears
teach me to pick up my head and look to the sky

show me happiness in a world of sorrow
show me the meaning of this pointless life

2003-04-22T23:35:00.000-05:00

*yawn* who only got 15 min of sleep last nitee? *raises hand feebly and then falls asleep on keyboard*

Im glad you finally told me tho i've suspeted for a while now. It's gooodd that you got it out. didnt mean to lead you in the wrong direction. it was prob my bad for not tellin you sooner. sumtimes (actually, most of the time) i just dont understand myself. well, time heals everything and that's wat we'll give it.

okk really tiredd post more tomorrow. nitie nitee ppl

2003-04-20T19:22:00.000-05:00

hmm.. just lost my train of thought... ohh ritee there u r..

okk wkend.. well Thurs. nitee- i played tennis w/ san and ed for the 1st time in like almost a yr i think.. long long time. i miss it i really do. i remember when we use to play every Fri nite. San, my bro, sumtimes justin, and me. it was soo much fun. tho i actually havent gotten a lot worse considerin how long it's been. thanx san for remindin me. i hope we can keep it up. fond memories.. the gooodd old days.

then i got home, took a shower, and then suddenly became really sick. which wasnt fun. my sis kinda scared me w/ the SARS thing. but dont worry im better now, for the most part at least. but it meant i had to stay home all fri. except when i went to my interview at gamestop. hope i get the job.

Sat- Went bowling w/ san and my bro. hadnt done that in a long time either.. another good memory when we use to hang out a lot in the summers- whether it was bowling, lasertag, the movies we had fun. but this time it seemed a lil different. did u feel it? i mean it's been a while since the just the 3 of us have really been together on the wkend. very subtle differences but they were there. we r definitely more mature (well, san & I at least), not as crazie, also less laughter, we all seemed soo much more burdened like we carried an invisible weight on our shoulders. dont kno if it was just that we've had sum distance btwn us for sum time or sumthing else.. maybe it was knowing that we hadnt done this in a long time and maybe we hadnt put enough effort in our friendship for a while. I still had lots of fun esp at the arcade section lol. and maybe it's just me...

Sun- Happy Easter! played soccer as usual. started raining. i like runnin and playin soccer in the rain. soo much fun. nothing much else.

here's a song:
I don't want to miss a thing

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing,
Watch you smile while you are sleeping,
While you are far away and dreaming,
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender,
I could stay lost in this moment forever,
Where a moment spent with you is a moment I treasure,

(Chorus)
I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep,
Cause I miss you baby, And I don't want to miss a thing,
Cause even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do,
I still miss you baby and I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating,
And I wondering what you are dreaming,
Wondering if it's me you are seeing,
Then I kiss your eyes and thank god we're together,
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever and forever forever

(Chorus)

And I don't want to miss one smile,
I don't want to miss one kiss,
I just want to be with you right here with you,
Just like this, I just want to hold you close,
I feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment,
For all of the rest of time

(Chorus)

2003-04-20T01:18:00.000-05:00

I want a gay guy best friend..
criterias:
1) you have to be a homosexual male.
2) you have to be like Will on Will & Grace
3) you have to be able to swap stories w/ me on how much guys suck and then give me advice on how to get over them
4) you have to be able to go shoppin w/ me and tell me wat looks good
5) you have to be able to tell me the truth at all the time
6) you have to be not jump me if i walk around naked
7) you have to be there for me when im down w/ a gallon of chocolate ice cream and a chick flick in hand
8) you have to be ready at all times for a men bashing session
9) you have to be able to keep ur eyes about 8 inches north from my breast when talkin to me
10) you can basically in no way, shape, or form resemble those jerky guys who claim to be straight

btw, this wasnt meant to offend anyone (well, other than straight guys) soo sorriee if it did. but i really want a gay guy as a best friend. i think Will & Grace have the best relationship. and the espisode where Grace is goin to get married. the scene where will and grace r on top of the building and will is scared of losing grace. She tells him that the first time she set eyes on him she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life w/ him and how they will always be best friends no matter wat. and then they danced under the stars.. *dreamy eyes* it makes my heart melt... it was such a beautiful scene...

2003-04-19T13:12:00.000-05:00

*sighh* dont kno if i should be sayin this but this is my damn blog and my damn life soo if u dont wanna kno, dont read..

i cant stand bein at skool or sitting next to him. i cant stand it when our eyes meet or even the mention of his name. it kills me to see them together. to remember. it's not hate or anger that i feel- that would be too easy. instead it's sumthing i still havent learned to deal w/. i try to suppress it, to be happy. yet it keeps resurfacin w/ a daily reminder of wat i no longer have, wat was, wat could have been. why am i not gooodd enough? will i ever be good enough? will i ever be number 1 in anyone's eyes?

face it, in my 4 yrs of high school, i've made no difference- at least not in the good sorta of way. i've done nothing great or worthy of remembrance. no one relies one me or needs me in any way. no matter how much i lean on ppl, they dont need me to lean back on. they always have sumone better. i can be soo easily replaced whether it's my best friend or my ex. suree i come and go, in and out of ppl's lives, but that's it, hardly leavin a trace. how many ppl truely notice when im not at skool? truthfully, ask urself would u miss me if i was gone?

i go around searchin for comfort, comfort from anyone, everyone. sumtimes i even look to turn to my parents for support, but it's soo hard to talk to them sumtimes. i've never really been able to open up to them. maybe wat im really look for is sumone who can relate w/ me. sumone who knows wat it's like. sumone who i can trust when they say it'll be okk, it'll get better. btw, thanx sam tho u prob dont read this.

it's 1:11- make a wish.

2003-04-18T21:46:00.000-05:00

im feelin much better now. slept almost 16 hrs last nitee.. i just ate a bowl of ice cream. it was really gooodd tho prob not the best decision on my part.

got my 1st job interview today! at gamestop. the guy was pretty nicee. seems like a kewl job. plus i need the money. hope i get the job. but now that i think about it, i have a lot more ques i want to ask him that i hadnt thought of cuz i was soo nervous about wat kind of ques he was goin to ask me. thank goodness he didnt ask me very many ques tho.

my sis called me last nitee. i wish i got to talk to her more. i miss my sis.

i have lots i want to say but i dont feel like sayin it ritee now, maybe later...